Rollercoaster

Well here I am at 13.48pm on 4th July 2009 hurtling at breakneck speed towards my show, here at the Hive Gallery. I am sat here in the gallery looking after it while Tracey is away, its voluntary and I love it, even after two weeks of 4 hours with the same dvd going around and around, and the projector giving up the ghost at any opportunity it likes!

The private view of my first solo exhibition takes place here at 7pm on the 30th July 2009, it seemed an eon away when I first booked it. I booked it originally to force myself into a routine of work, as my son had just started full time school giving me more time to paint. The time is easy to whittle away though, with out a goal. I can honestly say, hand on heart, that I really didn't think it through at that point. I booked it with that sole purpose in mind and that was as far as it went.

Now I am 24 days 5 hours and 9 minutes from the private view. GULP! Actually I am pretty chuffed with my little self, as I gave myself 6 months to get some work done, after most of my previous work was sold and I hadn't really painted since Hayden was born due to Post Natal Depression and a series of operations. That was the beginning of my Journey, and my aim to get some work completed that I was proud of, which I have managed. Another sub aim was not to go rearranging the gallery date, ie postponing it. Ok I admit I thought about it, more to do with nerves than lack of work, but no, I am here and my work will be hung on the 28th July 2009 ready.

Its been a long journey to date, this past 6 months, learning to take myself and my work seriously enough to feel 'worthy' of putting on my own exhibition. I still have doubts from time to time, my inner Diva screams the place down in a massive stressed strop, but once shes safely tucked up back in her box I actually believe I can pull this off!

Its a pretty scary ride, as some of my artwork prior to Hayden being born had little direction, did not fulfil me creatively as it could, and sole aim was for sale. From January I gave myself 'permission' to create whatever I wanted without the usual constraints of commercial appeal etc. I have given myself 2 years till January 2011 to see where this path in my life takes me. I now paint with heart and soul, its my head out there on the canvases and assemblages, a chance for people to see what makes me tick, what gives me fire in my belly, how I think....and sadly of course to judge me. Its that bit which scares me.

I have invited people from many different periods in my life, some people I haven't seen for years, and some I have never even met. The thought of them all in one room makes me want to run for the hills! Equally though it excites me, to show people that have helped me consciously or inadvertently just by crossing my path in big ways or small, what I have achieved. I try not to think about it too much for the sake of my own sanity, what they think matters to me, even though ultimately its me, myself and I.

I have no one to blame if this goes belly up. I have no excuses if I am criticised. I have no where to run and hide if I am laughed at.....its all my own doing! But through those thoughts I have reached the point where it feels authentic, true to who I am and what I am trying to achieve but most of all the ultimate in living my life the way I want to....I am living my dream, this is it and it really doesn't get any better!

For all the long nights, the staying in when I want to be playing out, the frustrations, the knee knocking wobblies, living each day doing what I truly love to my very core is the way to go. I count myself as very lucky to be experiencing this in my life, no matter what happens. Even if the show leads nowhere, is a disaster, no one turns up....I did it, I did what I set out to do and carried it through, and I am proud of that.

I am currently painting my final piece for the show, 'Apothecary's Chest' a painting over four canvases, and simultaneously working on another assemblage. I probably would not have ventured into the 3D world again had I not been doing this show, and am thoroughly enjoying exploring my artwork in a three dimensional way...I have come full circle as I started out in my career doing three dimensional design (Industrial).....its a funny old world!

Anyway I have a show to plan, sketch walls on to bits of graph paper and figure out exactly what will be including.....on with the show!