Delirium pro Tempore

Acrylic 10in x14in box canvas


Delirium pro Tempore is a snap shot of the fleeting insanity felt when communications are so misunderstood, especially between men and women. Sometimes I find the opposite sex completely unfathomable, and have seen that I provoke this same sense of impossible~ness of thinking to the men in my life, past and present.
I wanted the piece to scream without screaming, speak without speaking and convey the all consuming frustration that is felt when finding someone elses opinions and thought processes totally impossible to get the head around, or that the language may as well be that of another planet for all the sense it makes. I enjoyed the disturbing nature of this painting, achieving something that shouts from a silent object is something I am proud of.

Encore

Acrylic 24in x 24in on box canvas

Encore was a continuation of Curtains up, the theatre of arguments and sometimes the unenviable position of provoking violence, when the argument spirals out of control. The painting illustrates the impending doom of the situation, the grandiosity of the perpetrator and that although its a difficult subject its one many of us have faced or do face in our lives. 
As mentioned in previous blog posts I adore men, their beauty, strength and humour, but the flip side can be scary and painful to live with. I have also found from experience that theres a sense of theatre to much of an argument, whether that's the persons involved personalities or an unconscious homage to the violence in the media, I am unsure...I have lived through it, played my part in it, survived it and painted it.

Curtains Up

Curtains Up Acrylic on box canvas 12in x 12in

Curtains Up speaks differently to people. I thoroughly enjoyed this piece, a singing? yawning? man. The image for me is the start of an argument, the point where it turns from heated discussion to the beginning of the battle, a fine line, a point which we can see crossed. The painting began in my mind with much more to it, words coming out of the mouth, an idea to try and capture the lessening of listening as the situation goes down the pan. In the end the image that I painted didn't need all the extras, just the mood, the expression and the lighting on the face captured the essence for me, which speaks out in many different ways to the viewer, probably to do with experience and expectation from life projected on to a frozen image.

Its title aptly describes the shenanigans we all come across that are employed when someone wants to make themselves heard over and above everything else. I do only apply, at the moment anyway, the depicting of these strong and often negative emotions to men, because its how I have experienced them, I can FEEL them, been on the receiving end of those emotions and behaviour, and hopefully bring them to life again in my paintings.

Why? I don't have the answer to that. Am more than sure these images don't have mass commercial appeal, that many won't even like them. Should that stop me painting them and hanker after painting something more appealing? I don't know. But for the time being anyway, I need to go along with this and see where it takes me, its a scary road, but one I am excited about and I can honestly say I am loving painting from this place. Maybe its a blind, arrogant egotistical place to paint from, but for me its just honest and free forming, allowing myself the creative freedom my current situation affords me, and one I am finally allowing myself, without the self imposed shackles, of paintings being universally saleable. Maybe the penny has finally dropped! Being an artist is the only profession you can remain penniless and still remain respectable with your dignity, if not bank balance intact ;-)

Double or nothing...

Jester 2 Pen, ink and graphitint pencil A2

Been a while since I blogged, but I have been painting, honest. Jester 2, is a sequential piece arising from Jester. I wanted to portray the two faced personality trait I come across from time to time. I used my original drawing and mirrored the face with some adjustment, but also I liked the way the arms mirrored, which seem to make sense at first glance but actually don't...possibly more of an expression of how I find personalities than the direct depiction of the 'two faced' aspect.

Again in the scribble series, aims to portray the smooth and shade with rough and line. The mask again hides the eyes (I see a pattern emerging, there must be something Freudian in there, somewhere) and reflects the deceit, lies, honesty and truth we are all capable of.

This drawing marked a shift for me, something changed inside me as an artist, a feeling which has reared it head before with fleeting glimpses (some of the male nudes and certainly the corseted women), to paint what I FEEL, not what I want people to admire. A risky move in some respects, as it leaves me wide open and vulnerable in many ways, marks out ever more clearly that I don't fit in (neither a good nor bad thing, it just is) be it my artwork or me generally. Quite a theme for me of recent weeks, and probably it having its roots planted in my art that have snaked out and unsettled most other areas of my life. I am now trying to be somewhat more positive and see it as a metamorphosis from my former self and art to a new and more reassured way of being. Time will tell I guess, but already the artwork means far more to me than it has done in years, as does the act of painting, I feel connected finally!

Scribble series...

'Jester' 59.4cm x 42cm. Indian Ink on 60lb cartridge paper.

I read the autobiography 'Celebration' by Graham David Smith many moons ago, and the jacket photograph always struck me as really beautiful. Given that I was at a bit of a juncture with my artwork, I used that to get me started again. My work often has elements of duality, opposing forces, things that don't automatically go together, so I took the smoothness of the human form and used a scribble type effect that's quite harsh and vigorous to portray the shading of the form.

I have a strange thing for Venetian masks at present, so I combined the two, baring the nakedness of the torso with the covering of the eyes for concealment, such honesty and vulnerability with deliberate disguise. The history of the masks depict that they were used to originally enable 'fair trade' between the classes in C12th Venice between the trades people and the upper classes, but their use soon became utilised to cover all sorts of gambling and debauchery, especially between the classes.

I love the idea of the stunning loud gregarious masks being used for such secret liaisons, a way to disguise in order to be completely true to oneself. A trait we all have to one degree or another. The layers and facets of the human mind often have this weird duality, I know I do.

My current piece is based directly on this duality, using the 'Jester' and doubling up the image to produced a reversed mirror effect, a two faced man. So with that I will leave you and continue with the piece, hopefully completing today.

Distortion contortion...

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Reclining male nude 2008 - Homage to Modigliani. Acrylic on Canvas paper 46cm x 30cm.

Well the piece is finished and I have mixed feelings, as although I enjoyed it and its turned out OK, the distortion and possibly contortion of the figure jars somewhat. Possibly had I drawn the female form Modigliani style first and then drawn my version from it, it may have turned out better. Not for the bin, but certainly one to stay in the portfolio.

I have a more pressing situation on my mind. For around five months I was a nude model for a local artist. It was the challenge that drew me, as I have had in the past a very dim view of my body. I got fat, got thin, got pregnant, suffered allot of birth trauma physically, got fat again and then got way too thin, finally steadying down to a little larger than I am now. I decided to take a different approach to being more self accepting and went on a voluntary basis to sit for a total stranger (male) who paints VERY realistically (hes much like Freud) and had trial by fire.

It felt awkward and strange at first but then it became absolutely fine, totally no different than sitting there WITH my kit on. Well sadly the artist had to give up his studio so the painting didn't get completed. But today he gave me a bell and his exhibition opens tonight, and he REALLY wants me to go, as one of the initial sketches that was completed has been put up for all to see. Its really quite scary, as in theory I felt fine with this notion, that maybe one day I would be on public display, now that time has come I am very nervous and am seriously considering a disguise! Because a strange part of me is drawn to going, I don't feel I want to make my excuses. So I am going to go, but maybe via the real ale pub for a spot of dutch courage, so I dare walk in a gallery full of mainly strangers having a look at me and all the bits I don't like. Also there is a possibility that there is further modeling work for a class situation, and I have to ask myself is that scarier than modeling for a perfect stranger? I will have to wait and see.

The other reason I volunteered was to be around creativity and 'art' to try and bustle me along, and it did the trick. Just being around a painter really inspired me to WANT to paint, and I got to meet other artists in the HIVE and generally just make connections.

Which kind of lead me to thinking how much Twitter has become part of my life, having artists regularly popping up pictures of their latest works, and words about their trials and tribulations is just a fantastic thing! Being alone in a studio for hours at a time is both sublime and also my worst enemy, too polar conflicting feelings, and Twitter bridges some of the feelings of isolation, and for that I thank those lovely people! Keeps me motivated and away from the lows that can sometimes accompany being home alone for many hours.

I think that's about it, a world record, two blogs in as many days, so I shall be off and try and calm my nerves before I go tonight...I shall report back on what happened.

Tragedy to Optimism...

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Reclining Nude, 1917 Amedeo Modigliani (Italian, 1884–1920) Oil on canvas; 23 7/8 x 36 1/2 in. (60.6 x 92.7 cm) The Mr. and Mrs. Klaus G. Perls Collection, 1997 (1997.149.9) http://www.metmuseum.org/toah/ho/11/eust/ho_1997.149.9.htm for further information.

...a fitting title for the type of yin yang sort of gal I am. All or nothing approach the to world of bloggerism, which I feel I must try and find a balance for. Or maybe the acceptance over the years of the woman I am is quite enough and I will blog when the mood takes me, less pressure that way.

Above, is a piece by the tragic artist Amedeo Modigliani, an artist to which I return some 18 years later. For my GCSE Art I chose this chap to study for my finals. Even back then I loved the controversy my study and subsequent exhibition caused, as I interpreted his work through my eyes using the male form (and probably the very first time I had used the naked male in my art). I remember the hushed twittering of fellow pupils and teachers in the reception area of my High School as a full frontal nude of a male was placed on the wall, grubby fingers poking and silly grins of the stereotypical pubescent teenager taking notice of the work I had done...a bizarre feeling of accomplishment was what I got out of it, besides my A grade. I am still not 100% sure why, I suppose its the exhibitionist in me that rears its head and gives me a bit of a giggle. Unfortunately in the summer of 1990 my school was destroyed by a massive fire and my whole portfolio died a tragic watery death in cell block E, along with similar take offs of other artists like Dali and the Persistence of Memory, another interpretation with melting syringes (a big drug campaign was around at the time) instead of clocks.

So I hit 35 years old in October and came across, completely by accident, a Bio on Modigliani, who tragically died at the age of 35 of tuberculosis, aided by heavy alcohol and drug consumption. He was totally penniless and often peddled his artwork in exchange for meals at restaurants, or for his vices. Anyway, it just seemed fitting to have another go at interpreting his work through my eyes, seeing as I have made it past 35 (just) and am penniless. I love a certain amount of strange random connections when I begin a piece. Even though the above is my current inspiration, it was not the work I used for my GCSE, which promptly came to me half way through this painting. I have started so I will finish! But may end up reproducing the one I know I used in my exam for my next piece.

It just seems a really lovely way to take stock of the work I have produced to date, and my embarkation on the new to move forward, with phase 1 of my website now (finally) floating around the ether. Looking back over the work I have produced over the years raises many a question and memories, like the male nude I exhibited at a church...oh the twittering was an absolute scandal! 'Twas only a rear view though, I was being empathetic! See I just can't help it, the parishioners nearly choked on their ginger nuts!

And the most important question that keeps me vexed is 'to paint (what sells) or not to paint' (what sells)? What is the answer? Always a HUGE dilemma. Do I go safe and paint pretty pictures which sap my soul but have a wider audience, or maverickly continue in my quest for my own signature style in the male nude market, which has a limited and shy audience? Do I commit to a style and limit my enthusiastic creativity? Is that the signature of a 'proper artist' ? That of being known for a regular style and/or subject? Is it the trail of immaturity artistically to be so random in style and possibly subject? Should I be concerned with such questions or just let my creativity and desire lead the way? I don't have the answers, only optimism that all will become clear.

So for now I will finish this painting in front of me, hopefully tomorrow it will be up here for all to see, and continue in my randomness of thought and deed to muddle my way along my master plan. The plan, at the moment, includes painting more, blogging more, Phase 2 of the website which will include paintings for sale and the probable opening of an Etsy store and Deviant Art store, and my first solo exhibition next year, possibly in the summer and then and thereabouts learning the art of self promotion though magazines, hopefully, and other galleries. Its a plan!

Since committing to my artwork again, absolutely loving the process (finally) again, I feel a whole new world awaits me to explore and adore, I am like a child in a sweet shop...only a very distant memory now, are the years since the birth of my son, where I wanted to destroy all my art materials and never paint again, it was the blackest part of my life, Post Natal Depression. There's a lot to be said for time as a great healer. From tragedy to optimism, an all or nothing approach, which goes hand in hand with the yin yang gal I am.